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Body Negative

by Jack Larkin

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eleventhsin
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eleventhsin Such a great body of work. All fits together and maintains a tight theme, and the detours even work in its favour; the recounting of the Fish Motel is a highlight. Its like a good roadtrip. And even though everything must come to an end, I hope the last song isn't it. Favorite track: Where Suburbia Meets The Desert.
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1.
2.
In this world I have lost myself somewhere far along the way. There’s a silent place deep within my heart, where your image never fades. There is no bargaining with Death, you see. I’ve begged it to turn back time and take me. When the Death knocks at my door, I will gladly let it through. I will wander the higher plains, til I find my way to you. There is no bargaining with death, you see. I’ve begged it a thousand times to take me. There is a door in the sky, that prevents the living from looking through. I’ve dreamed, that I climbed through the clouds and tore it down just to see you. Every road, that I’ve ever taken leads me straight back to your grave. A thousand times, through a thousand years, I have walked them shouting your name.
3.
Missed Calls 05:12
The romance is over. It’d been going for too long. Too many words you hurt me with. Can’t erase, what I did wrong. There’s no more room for you in my heart. It vanished in the lonely nights we’ve spent apart. Your memory starts to fade. Your letters I have burned. Missed calls I never will return. I watch the road ahead, always keeping my slate clean. Never shed a single tear. Don’t repeat the same routine. Never again. There’s no more room for you in my heart. It vanished in the lonely nights we’ve spent apart. Your memory starts to fade. Your letters I have burned. Missed calls I never will return.
4.
It has been a while since the last time, that I got one of your calls. I have been wondering, if you ever learned to kill all your sorrows. Cos it ain’t gonna be like it used to be. No, you ain’t gonna see me. The less that you care, the more you lose. Do you ever mourn all the moments, that you could’ve used? Tell me, who’s gonna suicide watch you now? Tell me, who’s gonna suicide watch you now? Once you’ve woken up, have you realized the bridges have burned? Your eyes are finally open to see, that you have nowhere else to turn. Cos it ain’t gonna be like it used to be. There is no us, there’s only me. Flaws and mistakes, spells and earthquakes are not offerings. They are nails to your coffin. All the helping hands will be taken away. Few words too little, one word too much. How long will you last without human touch? And who’s gonna suicide watch you now? Tell me, who’s gonna suicide watch you now? Tell me, who’s gonna suicide watch you now? Tell me, who’s gonna suicide watch you now?
5.
This time i won't back down. You just don't scare me anymore at all. I find it funny, that I was afraid before. This time I won't let go. You should've killed me, when you had a chance and now, when we're at war, there's nothing to fight for. The laws of physics mean nothing to me, so don't try to shake me off or to hold me down. I've had enough of hearing reasons of treason. If the story ends today, I will end it on my terms no matter what. My one and only future shows its wonderful smile and clench its bloody teeth, while waiting to embrace my life. I know I'm close to nowhere, existing carelessly. I'm running out of time and time is running out of me. Am I bound to be left alone? Cut the shapes and release them from visibility. Is it wrong to be stronger than them in staying myself? This time it won't be long, before it all collapses from goodbyes, but i don't really care. I'm not the sacrifice. The laws of physics mean nothing to me, so don't try to shake me off or to hold me down. I said I've had enough. My one and only future shows its wonderful smile and clench its bloody teeth, while waiting to embrace my life. I know I'm close to nowhere, existing carelessly. I'm running out of time and time is running out of me. Am I bound to be left alone? Cut the shapes and release them from visibility. Is it wrong to be stronger than them in staying myself? Am I bound to be left alone? Cut the shapes and release them from visibility.
6.
When your purpose turns to vapour and you find it hard to grab onto your dreams, whatever proof you’ve had of this reality, it’s no longer, what it seemed. Last days on this old planet. No time to say goodbye. There’s room to still go further beyond the sky. The foggy street lights blur, until they dissipate. Everything melts down into unreal. The hazy memories of what you used to be fall behind with all the corporeal. Last days on this old planet. No time to fix the past. It’s not the first life in here. Won’t be the last. Body negative. Body negative. Body negative.
7.
Muffled TV voices all around. I’m half-asleep, while listening to their soothing sound. The sun is slowly going down, saying goodbye to the folks of motel town. Why don’t we listen to just one more song. Whatever worries you’ve had, they’re all gone. And if you see my baby, would you ask her to come home? Tell her her swimming pool drama is on.
8.
Long cold night gnawing at your bones, but a distant feral howl calls you into the wild. Home-cooked meals and two scared grown-ups left back in the city by an ungrateful child. Where is that you’re headed, now that roads are open wide? Is it another city or the vast countryside? You could try and tell, what tomorrow’s gonna bring, or you could leave for the desert and sing. Phony streets of suburban grime get shaken by the fairytales of death and demise. Scouting for food and shelter, reading your Helter Skelter, going crazy searching for a message in the lies, now. How are you coping with the change of scenery? Tell me, who’s gonna suicide watch you now? There’s a thousand ways to reach the body negative, but who would really know how? Where is that you’re headed, now that roads are open wide? Is it another city or the vast countryside? You could try and tell, what tomorrow’s gonna bring, or you could leave for the desert and sing.
9.
10.
Just as I thought I couldn’t be more in love with you, but the things, that you do to me. Your eyes send a fire, that burns me through and through. Obsession is a song, that plays on and on in my head. Once I am caught, there’s nothing else I could to. Just as I thought, that I was already dead, it seems I get to be reborn once again through you, Goddess of Passion, Goddess of Fire. Just as I thought there’s no song left in me, but the things your fire makes me see. I wish I could lend you my eyes, so you could see them too. Obsession is a howl, that I utter in vain. Having been born under a relentless sun, all, that I’ve known, was an unending pain. Your fire brings relief and renders my demise undone, Queen of Forsaken, Mother of Wolves, Lady of Whispers, Goddess of Fools. Where I come from, they sing a song of a girl, who bathed in broken hearts and the tears of those, who she’d left behind. I shed no tear, cos I know the taste of the dull empty pain, that you cause on a whim, and I claw, and I tear, and I walk right through it. Just as I thought I couldn’t be more in love with you, suddenly you disappeared. Your fire burned out and proved to be untrue.
11.
Lucid Death 04:31
I find myself wasting time, singing of my bad-boy fame, while in reality you barely remember my name. I let the guns corrode and the former glory fade. The memories of laughter and the fun we used to have still ring out in the back of my head. I never feared the time, but the time kept drawing near. Now, the ticking clocks are filling me with dread. I suppose I’ve died, or maybe I’m just all alone. Is it me, who left this world, or is everybody gone? Is it me, who left this world, or is it just an empty place? Did I ever even care to look? The mistakes all coming back, but the lesson’s never learned. Maybe this is just the path, that I took. I suppose I’ve died, or maybe I’m just all alone. Is it me, who left this world, or is everybody gone?
12.
Blessed are the meek. In eternal silence they build the throne. The universal yell is humbly carried on. The thieves of the fire caught many times before and after, defying the gods and sacrificed to their crushing laughter. Beware the silent one, for he hides within a voice beyond belief and soon may choose to let it out. Blessed are the mute. In a world of noise there’s a peaceful island. The omniscient mind still calculates the move. It is for the wise man to crack the code to the number of the beast. And if you succeed, you will see the one, that you expect the least. Beware the silent one, for he hides within a voice beyond belief and soon will sing.
13.
Staring at the sickly orange sky. Sleeping through the days and living by night. Finding love in all the shady thoughts. Giving it away for trivial words. Haven’t I already moved enough? I think I’ll move again soon. I don’t need friends, but I deserve them. Hurry, get me, what I came here for. The void, that goes deep inside my heart, cannot be filled with art. And the world is going down. Somehow I cannot be bothered. And we all get spun around. Eating from the hands of one another. I know you won’t believe me. There will be time, when I’m remebered as one of those, who haven’t crumbled. Don’t care you won’t believe me. There will be time, when I’m remebered as one of those, who never crumbled. And the world is going down. Somehow I cannot be bothered. And the words are spun around. We’re eating from the hands of one another. Staring at the sickly orange sky. Slipping through the cracks until the sundawn. Seeking love in all the dirty thoughts. Giving it away for wicked words. Haven’t I already loved enough? I’m sure I’ll love again soon. I don’t need friends, but I deserve them. Quickly, get me, what I’m yearning for. The void, that goes deep inside my heart, cannot be filled with art. The void, that goes deep inside my heart, cannot be filled.
14.

about

Check out my Instagram: @mad_infra for some notes on this and my previous releases.

credits

released July 15, 2021

Composed, performed, produced, recorded and mixed by Jakub J. Stelmaszczuk.

Lyrics and vocals on Dear Future by Julia Stelmaszczuk.
The Fish Motel Disaster written and narrated by Agata Korecka.

Bass guitar, amp and vocal recording equipment provided by Jerzy Stelmaszczuk.

The cover image contains a photograph by Gautier Salles of Unsplash.

© Jakub J. Stelmaszczuk 2021

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Jack Larkin Warszawa, Poland

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